Last night was a rough one and I'm very surprised that I didn't get tired at all today (especially considering I ended up having to stay at work an extra two hours). I had trouble getting to sleep in the first place and even when I eventually did, my mind was immediately racing.
First, you have to read post #100 to get the context and because this person is what surrounded my sleeplessness.
I guess the night's insomnia was triggered by a phone call I partially heard (my damn fault for the little bit of eavesdropping I did). One of my roommates mentioned his brother (the guy from that post who I used to live with and ended up telling me he was gay) and his girlfriend. So now the guy and that whole situation are on my mind. As I'm trying to get to sleep, I'm tossing and turning, at this time, for no particular reason. I end up waking up at whatever time it was in the middle of the night and the first thing on my mind was him. Not so much in a romantic sense. I can't shake this feeling that I should have reached out to him more so than I did. It was a combination of guilt and concern which kept me up at this point. I'm not sure how long I was awake or when I fell asleep (when I wake up in the middle of the night, I make a point of not finding out what time it is), but I then ended up waking up an hour before my alarm went off.
Somewhere during this interminable night I thought about actually writing him a letter urging him to talk to someone, whether that someone was me, a professional, a friend, whatever. From what I have heard, talking about this kind of thing is extremely important, especially when it comes to one's mental/emotional well-being. I can't shake this nagging feeling that he is doing himself an immense amount of harm by keeping this bottled up. Maybe if I could get him to open up emotionally once (without dragging him kicking and screaming out of the closet), I could again. Of course by the time I was REALLY awake, it slipped my mind, not too mention that extra time at work). I'm not sure whether of not I will end up doing this, or what I would even say exactly if I did. I guess making sure he knows he has someone to talk to is the most important thing.
One of my major fears is that one day I'll hear from his brother that he and his girlfriend are engaged or expecting a child. It seriously feels like I'm racing the clock to save him from this and it's ticking down rapidly. I've heard too many stories that go in this direction. There is so much regret there and I know all too well what regret feels like. Also, the thought that someone I could have helped out of such a scenario ended up there anyway is something that could haunt me for quite some time (and here we are back at regret).
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